And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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