do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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