you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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