Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
