I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
