i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
