Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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