I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
