I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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