if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
