A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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