I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
