I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
