he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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