I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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