I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
