butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
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when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
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At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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