just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
