3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
