Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
