On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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