Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
