I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
