I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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