just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
