Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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