Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Randomize
