mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
