somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
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I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
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