why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
