So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
where are my eyebrows?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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