I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
