so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
