She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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