haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
