I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
