Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
