I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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