Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
