smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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