found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
