I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
