he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
