i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
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I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
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I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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