Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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