I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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