Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
