Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
