Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
