***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
