i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
and she was petting her beer can
Sacagawea was the original milf.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sext me about skeletons
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
