my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
