I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
