I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
