Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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