My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
