Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
