dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
