I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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