How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
